How Sean Became Sebastian: Alone

racism

There is no feeling like loneliness. Not to be confused with being alone. I love being alone, it gives me the opportunity to recharge, to think, to laugh at myself, to assess myself. Loneliness is something different. There is this overwhelming feeling and reality that you can’t access the people you would like to access, that the people around you, aren’t really listening, that no one hears you… Like really hears you, that no one understands you, that no one wants to try, that you would rather be alone because you would feel less lonely.

You reach out with your hand, with a call, with a text, with a postcard, with Facebook and you are met with nothingness.Plans can’t be made,time can’t be spent. You see others laughing and having fun and you want to have fun too. You initiate conversation and are met with adversity, who cares if they can talk, they have 300 followers on instagram.

Social media meant to keep us closer, brings us further apart, makes us less capable of interacting face to face. “Why do I need to see you when I already know what’s going on with you from my newsfeed?”

How many slip through the cracks?
What makes the feeling worse?

You know there are people out there who know you, who GET you. People that would want to just see your face or hear your jokes, or walk with you. Where are these people? I want to care, touch, love, miss, enjoy. I want to be cared for, touched, loved, missed, enjoyed.

There’s this feeling that you could die right now and it wouldn’t matter and then you meet someone, someone who gets you, someone who SEES you and suddenly you are alive again, vibrant, happy, loved. And then that moment ends and that person is gone.

You long for your old, fun self and wonder if you will ever be that way again, or if you will endure existing until you meet a certain end.

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