How Sean Became Sebastian: Perspective


For Chris’ 23rd birthday, I decided to throw him a large celebration. One in Philadelphia and one in New York. I told him to clear his schedule and organized the rest with Samantha.In dramatic fashion, this special occasion would also be the last time I was with Samantha and Chris as friends.

Before I continue, I feel it is important to mention, while Samantha and Chris are the two individuals connected with this story, “Samantha” and “Chris” are not the important characters in my life. It is the idea of them, their energy, if you will, that can be recreated with 2 other people and still manage to be the same situation. The energy we encounter is based on the energy we are attracting and not to say that we are all stock character types…. but, we can play a specific role in the life of others based on that combination of energy. Does that make sense.

For instance, before there was Samantha and Chris, there was Angela and Rob.

Meet Angela. A beautiful, talented, intelligent young lady. We met when I was 19 and she was 20. Sound familiar at all? We, unlike Samantha and I, were more genuine friends. We had a great deal in common, loved the same music and… just understood each other. We didn’t have to speak, we could just look at each other and all was understood. We spent a great deal of time together.

Meet Rob. An average looking, studious, sociopath (that’s a bit harsh, but that’s my overwhelming memory of him). We met when we were both 19. We got along well because… I really don’t know. We had fun, but when I think about our relationship, it’s much like that of Chris, we were just drawn to each other, we liked being around each other and I think just like Chris, we had what wikipedia would call a Romantic Friendship.

The term romantic friendship refers to a very close but non-sexual relationship between friends, often involving a degree of physical closeness beyond that which is common in the contemporary Western societies; it may include for example holding hands, cuddling, hugging, kissing, and sharing a bed.

How did I let this situation repeat itself? With Angela and Rob, the story at least had a happy ending for Angela and I. We continued to be friends for years after we navigated the Rob situation, but life wouldn’t be so simple for Samantha, Chris and me.

Chris’ Philly birthday celebration went off very well. Everyone had a great time. It was fine. There was one minor incident, when one of Samantha’s friends was so drunk that she wasn’t allowed into Recess, an after hours spot in Olde City, and Sam said what you’d think she’d say, “Just leave her,” but I couldn’t do that. So I called her a cab, but the cab came back 10 minutes later after said friend bit the cab driver… you read that correctly. She bit the cab driver, but I should have seen all this as foreshadowing.

The second night of Chris’ celebration, we made Samantha’s house our home base, like we did most weekends, as she lived about 20 minutes from Manhattan. Everything was going like normal. Pre-gaming began around 11 or so, we probably left the house around 12, arrived at our destination around 12:30, met someone from the Real World on the elevator and were on our way. When we arrived, I remember being tipsy, I remember losing Chris and Sam for a moment and eventually finding them. I remember fake pushing Chris, (yes, like a friendly push, like we were not fighting, like I would do any other time) and then I remember immediately being put in a hold by security and escorted outside, where I waited for hours and hours. Sam and Chris never came out, nothing. I wasn’t permitted to stand in front of the club, so I was forced to wait around the corner. The two of them never answered their phones and never came looking for me. We were staying at Samantha’s house and Chris had my belongings, so I could do nothing. I couldn’t go anywhere and they never came and never answered their phones. I slept on a bench. I woke up sometime before 8am and I remember being in complete shock at what had taken place. That I had slept on a bench in Manhattan and that my phone was now dead and I had no idea how to get home. I couldn’t afford the taxi to Sam’s house, because again, Chris had my belongings, I couldn’t afford the train home. So, I walked. I could see the top of the New Yorker building in the distance and so I walked until I got there, because once I was there, I knew where I was. I went into Penn station and a nice lady helped me get a ticket back to New Jersey. I cried the entire way back, thinking, “how the hell did this happen? why didn’t they come out and find me? how could they just go home without me?” I had never felt this hurt in my entire life.

I walked an hour home from the train station to my house and when I walked in the door, my sister said, “Where is Chris?” and I started crying. I explained what happened, she told me to go to my room and she called Samantha and Chris who ignored her phone calls at first and then finally answered and when Sam answered the phone she didn’t say “hello,” she said, “we didn’t do anything wrong.” My sister replied with, “I don’t care, where is my brother’s stuff.” and she had Chris bring me my belongings.

When Chris came, hours later, I wanted to see him myself, so I answered the door. He had sunglasses on and refused to look me in the face. He simply lifted my bag and said, “here.”
Is that all you have to say?

I didn’t do anything wrong.

And what I said next, I don’t remember, but I lost my mind and when I was finished losing my mind he said,

You’re right. I know.

And that hurt more than anything. More than him actually doing what he did. He walked up to me and said, “I didn’t do anything wrong” and if I didn’t have the backbone to express myself, he would have gone on living with that lie as if it were the truth. I slept on a bench. I suddenly felt a lack of trust of like of anything…. I was utterly disgusted and once he admitted he was wrong he immediately began acting normal and I couldn’t believe what I was looking at, seeing the mask come off right before my eyes… It was shock, the kind of shock, it’s hard to have happen again because you build up walls after something like this happens.

And what made it even better is that he told me the reason he hadn’t tried to find me is because Samantha used that opportunity alone to finally make a move on him and they went back to her place and did whatever they did… this… this was the cherry on top. Not only did you leave me, but you left me to hook up with someone? Are you serious? I couldn’t look at him. When he hugged me, I couldn’t feel safe resting my head on his chest, like I had before. I just saw this self-serving idiot. (Of course, now I don’t really feel that strongly about the situation, we were young and we served what ever purpose we needed in each others life at that time) But, this is the last time someone has ever hurt me that badly.

What happened to Samantha? Well, she called me a few days from London.

Hey, this is an international call, it’s like $1 a minute or something, so make it fast, what’s wrong?

I couldn’t believe my ears. I don’t remember what I said in response, I just remember her next statement being about her upcoming birthday and how she wanted to go sky-diving. I never spoke to her again. I ignored Chris’ text messages until he stopped texting me, which took about 2 weeks. Men are powerless to a woman that holds them in the palm of their hands. The biggest lesson I learned.

I’ve never been hurt that bad again.

I think about these things when people say things like:

“I don’t need someone this dramatic in my life”
“You only care about yourself Sean. And I’m not the only one who thinks so.”

The most recent compliments I have been blessed to receive. Maybe I am selfish, maybe I am dramatic. Maybe all these things are true, but when I put my life in perspective I am just happy that I’m not completely crazy at this point. Perspective. Perspective is everything.


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