When I think about my relationships with the people in my life, I can’t help but think back to the two relationships that rid me of my innocence, that made me cynical, the two most important relationships of my adulthood. Important for various reasons.
Meet Samantha. We became friends when she was 20 and I was 19. Samantha was pretty, intelligent and self involved. I was attractive, intelligent and in need of friends. We hit it off perfectly. We cooked dinner together, watched “So You Think You Can Dance” together, vented together and most importantly, drank together. We were pretty much unstoppable. There were brief moments when her selfishness surprised me, like the time we were out together and the dj invited us back to his place and our friend didn’t want to go back to the dj’s house because she didn’t feel comfortable and so Sam pulled me aside and said, “let’s just leave her.” Mind you, the three of us came together, we were in the meat packing district at 4am and we were all staying at Sam’s house… How could we leave her? It was so rare that this behavior was directed toward me, so when it happened, I made it my responsibility to fix the situation. Sort of a co-dependent habit. But, we succeeded as friends beacuase…
1. We were both self involved and thought highly of the idea of us.
2. We loved looking good.
3. We loved to party.
We were destined for disaster.
Meet Chris. A tall, heterosexual, attractive, muscular guy who came on the scene about 3 years later. He and I hit it off right away, but why wouldn’t we? Chris loved everything about me, wanted to do everything for me and was nice to look at. I also met Chris during a particularly vulnerable period of my life….. I’m beginning to see a pattern here. There were three problems with me and Chris.
1. Chris was possessive.
If we went out together, I was HIS responsibility. Only he could take care of me, he bought my drinks, I had to go home with him. Once, he upset me and I left the house we were at without telling him to take the train home. He of course found me. (How?) He arrives at the station, I am on the lower level waiting for the train. He calls my name, I don’t answer. I’m upset and I don’t want to see him. He pays fare to come downstairs to the trains platform. He has also brought backup… Yes, backup. Two guys.
I’m going home
I said, let’s go, now.
I don’t want to go with you.
Sean, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is you come with me.
What’s the hard way?
I will throw you over my shoulder and carry you back to the house.
2.Chris was in love with Sam. Sam didn’t really care for Chris.
3. I slowly found myself developing feelings for Chris.
I know! A recipe for disaster!
You see, I didn’t realize it at the time. I just knew we did everything together. We were pretty much dating as it was. We spoke all day, everyday, via text. If I didn’t answer fast enough, I got the “what’s wrong?” Text. (We were young, ok) We ended conversations with, “I love you”…
He would drive to my house, tell my parents when I’d be home next and take me wherever.
(Don’t look at me like that, this was years ago, okay. I was a child)
Anyway, I had no idea, what was going on with my feelings and I never had time to think about it. Until, Chris started dating. Whoa! It felt like a stab to the heart and yet I still didn’t get it. I was an idiot. Whenever he was with a girl, it felt like a personal attack on me. That’s why I loved Sam. She was perfect for him, because she would lead him on and then suddenly be uninterested. (I was young, okay) I loved it until one very fateful night…..