How Sean Became Sebastian: Fear of Happiness


For the past 5 days I have spent the majority of my time alone, reflecting, writing, creating… Being. It has been SO long since I have spent that much time alone. Now It feels as though all that time I wasn’t able to spend time alone I was being fed a morale and spirit weakening poison and now I’ve found myself off that poisonous prescription and able to remember what it actually feels like to be me, which is an awesome feeling I feel blessed to know I will be the only person in the world to experience.

My eyes are open for the first time in what feels like years. How was able to navigate the world in the zombie-like state I was in? This feeling of joy and happiness was quickly met with fear, fear that being happy was a cue for bad things to happen. It’s a fear I have had for years. I would have a good day at school and be afraid to come home for fear that my parents would sense my happiness and do everything in their power to make me suffer. But, having learned that my life moves forward through desire, I realized, I don’t desire to live in fear. I desire to be content, to accept the good, learn from the bad, enjoy happiness and allow myself to feel sadness… And everything in between. I don’t want to spend my entire life running away from things, least of all happiness.


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