if you don’t read this… how will i get likes?


So, I’m sitting here in this coffee shop and I don’t want to get up.
I’m aimlessly searching the web for inspiration, but its been hours…
Am I actually going to come across the life altering article or video I so desperately want to find?
Or is it just up to me to push forward and stop hoping that some magical “ding” will sound after I watch an Oprah interview?

It’s a Sunday. Sundays always feel lazy, even when they’re not.
How is that? “Sunday” isn’t even real. I want a home cooked meal. And Wine. And a friend. And a hug?
Okay, I’m not being completely honest. I want the attention of a male. Not just any male.
Some cute interesting guy, that I’d like to engage in a suspenseful romantic expedition with… they all start somewhere.
Why not dinner? Why not tonight? Who am I kidding, I’d probably sleep with him tonight too… After hours of conversation.

What the fuck are all these people doing in this coffee shop?
Six are on computers… what are they doing? Writing? What do they write?
Advertisements… blah. Articles… scholarly. Facebook posts… whatever.
There’s a table of three, the most easily heard in the room, but not obnoxiously.
They speak with familiarity and excitement? I say excitement because they are laughing so much and speaking in a louder voice…
This seems to imply they enjoy what they are talking about as opposed to boring, casual conversation.

A woman here has pink hair and black framed glasses.
I feel there could be a cartoon about her life.
There’s a guy who works here; tall, slender, handsome-ish, bearded… I can’t understand his energy.\
He seems nice and annoyed all at the same time. Maybe he is. Maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about.

The windows are tinted in this building, so I can’t tell if it’s really cloudy out or… not?
I say to myself, “I don’t care” all the time… I think I’m trying to convince myself… or maybe remind myself? I don’t know.
I’ll think, “I wish that guy called me back” but then, “I don’t care”. Sometimes I wonder why I’m single.
I think I’m relatively annoying… I mean, in an average way. Everyone is annoying to some degree.
I think I’m too nice. I think I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don’t think people like that.
I think people are initially drawn to struggle, something they can’t have, a tinge of drama with the hopes of a pay out.
I just want to be a good person and enjoy myself.

Which I do.
I’m very happy with myself. I like me.
I wonder if other people like themselves….
I’ve met a lot of people in Austin, I don’t know how many friends I’ve made… I’ve only been here 3 weeks.
Results. I need results. i need friendship reports. A friendship marketing team. My friendship is a product. I should sell it.
I really like listening to other people, but I’m amazed at how many people I listen to, do listen to me….
It’s give and take, but you’re just taking…. you selfish person, you… (I mean that more mockingly… like a joke)

Someone asked if I was gay the other day.
What does that mean?
Like, what do people think when they say it?
Do you suck dick?
Do you get fucked up the ass?
Have your parents kicked you out the family?
Are you single.

Men with girlfriends.
I come across them all the time…
And they want me…
Go back to your girlfriend.
I don’t want to sneak around with you for a year… it’s boring.
Actually, maybe I do…. I don’t.

I haven’t had sex in a while.
Which is fine.
But, for some reason… sex has been calling my name.
First and last.
It’s that serious.
I’m like, “what do you want from me?”

In Austin more men speak to me than in Philly.
All the men.
Some just being friendly.
But others…..
“maybe you’re misinterpreting”
maybe this isn’t my first rodeo…

Why am I writing this?
Does it mean anything to anyone.
Someone would first have to declare that I’m a voice of a generation or some shit.
Then everything I said would be golden.
I’d need a scene too…
The post pop queer scene…
what the fuck does that mean?

Why is jazz playing here?
I don’t want to hear it.
But, I guess it’s the least offensive music ever.
I’d like to hear audio that is someone’s real life conversations somewhere else.
Or audio from porn.

I think about sex a lot.
I kissed this guy last week.
He wasn’t a bad kisser
But, he wasn’t very good

I got bored.
I was like, “stop kissing me”
I didn’t say it, but I was like
I was like
he was like
I was as
he was as

He pretty much thought he was now in control of my life
and i was like

we just met

Someone asked me if I like black guys….
Think about that for a moment…
Then I think about when I talk to people about how hard it can be to date as a brown person
and they come up with every reason why color has nothing to do with it….

And then someone asks me

Do you like black guys?


I don’t dislike any race of guy…

I really want to have sex today.
I have this energy.
I need to get it out.
I need to share it with someone.

A woman at the table across from me, just looked at me….
She saw me.
She knows I exist.
She’s a witness.

I see people all the time
and i feel bad for them
because they are not me
they are them

that’s sad…
sometimes I feel sorry for my sisters
because theyre not me
and they think that’s a good thing
and I’m like…
I’m like
if you only knew.

Music snobs
acting, “I like all music… except every song you just played”
get out
shut up

lift right leg
swing to left leg
jump to ground
and get off high horse
you are now no longer a jerk

this man in flip flops just walked by 3 times
I was about to say 2, but as I was typing he walked by again.
He dons plaid shorts and a black tea
he looks to be in his mid 30s
I can tell he spent the morning in front of his computer masturbating
His mom is disappointed in him
but his friends like him

I think men run from me, because I’m a mirror
I’m an observer
and like a mirror, I can’t lie
I tell you the truth

men hate that
women hate that
queers hate that
CATS hate that
ugggh, cats

A woman repeated something I said yesterday
and she did so with sass…
I thought, “I didn’t say it like that”
Don’t assign me a personality because you think you know something about me…
If a man did that to you…
You’d be like…

Too sensitive a topic?
I know.
But, I’m a mirror
I only speak the truth

when I was a kid, I wished I could jump in the mirror
a whole new world
a new fantastic point of view
no one to tell me no
or where to go

You know, I wrote that, right?


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