Today I was out speaking with a friend about my frustration with trying to meet men. Men to be friends with. Men to date. Men to have sex with. And after a more detailed back and forth, we realized how different our experiences are. I’ll paint the picture.
I am 28 years old.
I’m 160 lbs.
My friend is 28 years old.
My friend is 5’7
My friend is 155 lbs.
My friend is white.
Clearly, we are wildly different.
My friend has sex on a semi-regular basis (he usually goes no more than a month or so without sex, he says). He successfully finds dates on dating websites and successfully hooks up, using hook-up apps. (I’m not sharing my friend’s photo, for the sake of his privacy)
I, on the other hand, haven’t had sex in 7 or 8 months. I am consistently unsuccessful at finding dates on dating websites and wildly unsuccessful hooking up, using hook-up apps.
Now, this doesn’t mean anything, it’s just information. Just facts. There are a million possibilities why this could be. Maybe my friend is more outgoing than I am, maybe I’m unapproachable, maybe its because my friend looks happier,
maybe it’s cause I’m black.
My friend, much like most women or older people I talk to about this, doesn’t understand how this is possible, “but, you’re good looking”, “but you’re so cute!”, “What? you are damn sexy,” are a few of the exclamations I hear, when telling my story. I just took it as, “the way it is.”
But, today, my friend took it into his own hands. He took my phone, looked at my profile on a popular dating app and changed his info on his app to closely resemble mine. He uploaded a picture that we both agreed, has a similar taste level as mine (no, not nude. I’m referring to style). We both agreed we are at similar levels of attractiveness. He then took my phone and began messaging people…. Now we’ve created a situation, where all those other factors don’t matter. This is communication on an app. All the other person gets is an image and your text. They know nothing about you other than what’s in your profile and ours are now exactly the same.
I wish I had something to more to share here, but, 9 out of the 10 people he messaged, didn’t reply, 3 didn’t even look at my profile, and the one that did reply, was angry that the first message wasn’t “hello”. This, is normal for me. I would end up not talking to anyone, not meeting anyone, eventually deleting the app, all so a month later, I can get bored and try again.
So, my friend gives it a try. On his phone, he messages the same exact people, with almost the same exact message. 6 out of 10 responded almost immediately, 3 out of 10 shared nudes, and the same 3 were ready to meet and have sex… immediately.
An Interaction With Person A
An Interaction With Person B
An Interaction With Person C
I didn’t really want to take part in this, because I was afraid this is what would happen and I knew I would feel the way I felt… hurt. We can say it’s preference, it’s coincidence, whatever you want to say, but this is my experience 90 percent of the time and I always knew it was different for white (or “passing”) gay men, but to actually see it work, sucked. I really didn’t like it. I’ve seen it work that way in person, with white gay men, not making eye contact, not addressing me, or what have you, but then having normal interaction with my white gay friends. You sort of make excuses for why that is the way it is, as a matter of fact, everyone does. Everyone wants you to believe it is everything except for the fact that these people are heavily racially bias and half the time they don’t even realize it. I’ve literally never had a gay man speak to me as nicely or sex positive and accepting as I saw in those messages. If felt there was an entire experience I had been denied all these years, I felt so left out. That hurt….. It reminds me that it sucks. Your racial bias sucks.