I love bad bitches, that’s my fuckin’ problem

During my college experience, there were 3 boys I had intimate relationships with. All of them were distant. When my first “relationship” post-college fell under the same arm-length umbrella… I couldn’t help but notice the common denominator and yet, I did not at all notice the greatest common divisor.

If the common denominator of my intimate experiences was men who are distant, the greatest common divisor was me seeking them out, making their behavior into my enemy, and doing absolutely nothing to rectify the situation, so that, no matter what, i continue to have a problem. So that I could continue to be the victim.

Well, fast forward however many years later. I have read, I have learned, I have grown. Wonderful. If Abraham Hicks was right when he said, “The universe is not testing you, the universe is yielding evidence of where you are vibrationally”, then this yielding of evidence is illuminating.

A month or so ago, I met a man who fit all the requirements my “pain-body” requires in a man, so that I can perpetuate said pain; somewhat attractive, vaguely interested in me, and distant. Initially one is fooled by the familiarity, one thinks, “there’s something about this person.” Yes, you are right! There is something about this person’s behavior. It resembles that of people you have encountered in the past, behavior that allows you to rehearse your favorite type of pain, instead of actually existing in the moment. Well, to my surprise, it took merely 3 encounters with this person to recognize this and for the first time in my adult life, I took responsibility for the situation and told him that I couldn’t see him anymore and that I hoped he understood. Damn Universe! This evidence you are yielding is bomb. I’m feeling my vibrations!….

Oh, what’s that? You not done? Shit, why you ain’t say so…. Lettin’ me get all damn happy and shit.

This nigga (the universe) was not done. Is not done. Will never be done throwing that mirror up in my face, so I could take a good look at my vibrations.

So, recently, I thought it a decent idea to date. Just a little. To get my dick wet (as opposed to my feet). Well, I met this 27 year old boy. Handsome. Wants to hang out. Where’s the problem? To make a long story short, we talk for hours, seemingly get along very well, we fuck, and then he ghosts. My new vibrational frequency didn’t know what to do with this information. There was the initial shock of, “his behavior leading up to this point was nothing like that of those from my past.” “I actually thought this was going to go somewhere… where I don’t know, or care.” “Why am I feeling this?”

But, I talked to myself.

I knew this feeling of “hurt” was my pain body trying to take control and make me a victim again.

I knew there was nothing negative happening here.

Someone just stopped talking to me. That’s it.

I knew this person was not my enemy.

I knew that I should accept the situation for what it was and be grateful for what I was able to enjoy in the situation.

But, even with knowing this. I still felt something.

And I think my life force, suddenly and unexpectedly thrust me out of the situation by forcing me COMPLETELY into the present, where this situation was not actually happening. The situation happened in “the past” and so, if I was in the present, the only thing that is actually existing, I have nothing to rehearse or mull over. But, the funny thing is, this has happened before. This always happens.

Usually I rehearse pain over and over and over again, until the necessary occurs. Until it blows up. And in that explosion, I am thrust into the present, where I feel empowered and “over” the situation. BUT, this time, the necessary didn’t occur. As a matter of fact nothing “happened”. And yet, I managed to be thrust into the now, in that special way. But, this time, I wasn’t empowered by being “over” the situation or “over” him, I was over that behavior. What happened, happened.

This guy was a bad bitch.

And I thought loving bad bitches was my fucking problem.

But, I was my problem.

And being somebody real, was my way to solve it.

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